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Oh My Gawd!!!

Jesus Christ people are fucking insane.

Foremost.. they made a freaking Broadway play out of the Little Mermaid? Was Disney REALLY that desperate for money?!?! WTF!?!

Boys are stupid, boys are annoying.

So I'm back on my Lexapro. Yay. No really, most days that does actually make me happy, or at least a little bit pleasant to be around. But Morgan has been a monster today. I don't know what's going on, her sinus infection has got to be almost gone, but she's just acting awful. She won't go to sleep, she doesn't want to eat, she doesn't want to be held, she doesn't want to lay down, she doesn't want to play. I seriously want to throttle her. (But I won't. I promise.)

But anyways. Yeah, Lexapro again. I'm actually doing part of a study down at Emory, about depression in pregnancy and how it affects the fetus, and so on and so on. So the dr seems to think that 10 mg is too low of a dosage, so he upped me to 15 mg. Which basically means one and a half pills. And even though I was on Lexapro last year, with my last pregnancy, Medicaid wants to know why I need to be on this medication. So I won't kill anyone? Including but not limited to myself, my child, and/or my husband? (Not neccesarily in that order either.) Stupid government.

My mother has completely lost her mind. It's official. New Year's Eve, Bill has to work. I'm home, taking care of Morgan. Who is slightly sick, since we just got back from my aunt's dad's memorial service down in Florida. So we went from cold and wet here, to humid and hot there, and then cold and rainy, and then humid and warm again. I think Morgan is allergic to Florida. Heh.

So, it's New Year's Eve, I'm staying home with the baby. She finally falls asleep, but on her stomach. Yes, she's 7 months old but she has a hard time rolling over from her belly to her back. And sometimes she bitches. So I stick around to watch her and make sure that she's ok, doesn't cover her face and stop breathing or anything like that. 11:00 rolls around, and she starts fussing. So I flip her, and get ready to take a bath. Just as I'm grabbing my pj's, she wakes up. So I go into the bathroom and turn the water off.

I come back and start taking care of my daughter. I get her up, I change her diaper, I'm going to feed her a bottle after I give her the Tylenol and Benedryl that seeem to be helping her sleep. My mother comes in. Now, I'm CHANGING HER DIAPER, so she's not in her bed. Everyone with me so far? Good.

So my mom comes in, and proceeds to stand over the crib, with a goofy smile on her face. The room isn't completely dark, I think the TV was still on. I konw the computer was because it was playing music. My mom just stands there. Morgan is awake at this point and moving around.

I ask my mother what she's doing. She kind of jumps and turns to me and says "I'm just checking on the baby." And I just kind of look at her, look down at Morgan, and then look back at my mother, who's still staring into the crib, grinning like an idiot. "Um, the baby isn't in the crib... I'm changing her diaper and then I'm going to give her a bottle."

My mom turns briefly to me, and says "Oh, I was just checking on the baby, I thought you were in the bath already." And I proceed to explain to her that the baby woke up and I'm taking care of her. At this point my mother turns back around and continues to stare into the crib. And then says AGAIN "I was just checking on the baby." And I'm like SHE'S. NOT. IN. THE. CRIB. I'M. CHANGING. HER. DIAPER. I. HAVE. THE. BABY. And my mother just continues to stand there, staring into the crib, with the goofy grin on her face, and says, once again "I was just checking on the baby." And she tilts her head, and then makes this asinine statement: "She's so peaceful when she sleeps."

I look down at Morgan, who's grinning at me and trying to get her frog off the wall- it's a crinkly toy that keeps her attention so that I can change her diaper. And I'm just kind of like, 'um, thanks?' and my mother turns and leaves the room, still smiling. FUCKING WEIRD!

Ugh. It just constantly amazes me. I have to wonder how the hell *I* survived childhood.

Ugh. The baby is screaming.. joy.


Yes, that would be my boob. Deal with it. Breastfeeding was important to me in the very beginning, and I'm doing my damndest to keep doing it now even though it gets hard at times. Yeah, so breastfeeding and stress, TOTALL related. :P very frustrating.

So the whole birth thing wasn't too terrible. The dr wanted to induce me, I guess because of my history even though the pregnancy wasn't too bad as far as medical problems went. The biggest thing was having my blood drawn at the oncologist because my veins suck.

So I went in on May 25, 2007, to be induced. They didn't actually get the IV started until about 9am, I went in at 7. Not much happened for a while, got an enemba. THAT was interesting. At least the nurse was cute. I admit, my biggest fear was pooping on the table and/or the dr during delivery. I LIKE my dr, I want him to stick around and still like me when there's the next one.

Anyways. So most of my labor was in my back. Yeah, NOT a good thing. I ended up getting an epidural at about noon. My mother showed up AFTER that, where as my mother in law, called at 5 am to see what time I was going in, and was there at like 10. (just after I finished pooping from the enema, GREAT timing. really.) That fucking epidural fucking HURT. But I would do it again. I was so miserable.

My actual labor didn't start until later, I was 3 centimeters dilated at noon, and then by about 6:30 I was 8. I jumped to 9 1/2 centimeters at about 7:30. That's when the real pain started. It felt like someone was trying to crack my hipbone apart, from the inside-pushing it in. I was not happy. But they gave me drugs. I was much happier. Tho the anethesiologist wasn't too happy and neither was the nurse. She kept telling me to breathe, and I told her I would when it didn't fucking hurt. :) I was so polite!

But basically once the hard labor started, it didn't last long, and it only really took three pushes for her to come out. :) The dr almost missed her. He swears I've done this before, but I think it was more a fact of the people at Northside being good at their jobs, except for that stupid twat that told me to breathe. :)

Because of the drugs, pushing didn't really hurt. It felt more like I was trying to poop. The icky part was all the stuff that came out afterwards. I passed a blood clot the next day that was like the size of a sub sandwich. Sorry, that's the best estimation of the size I can come up with. My back hurt from the epidural needle, but that was pretty much it.

My first words to my husband when she came out all blue and whiny, "Honey, we made a people!" And they were able to get a really good cord blood sample. That we were able to donate to Babies for Life Foundation. I looked into the whole banking it thing, and my oncologist reassured me that I didn't really have a moral obligation to bank it-pay for it banking, and that I'm not necessarily more inclined for my kids to have problems or a relapse for me. So that was good to hear.

And y'all, I love my daughter. She is my world. But she is EXHAUSTING sometimes. but thankfully we seem to have fixed most of the spitting up issue. about fucking time!

Did YOU know Akon was a felon?

Ahh, the things you learn on VH1. :P

So I am now kitty-less. Scarface was taken to a no kill shelter yesterday. I think the surprising thing for me is that as much as I fought for that stupid little cat, and as much love, time, energy, and heartache I invested in him, I feel NOTHING. Absolutely nothing, for him, about him, towards him, right now. I don't wish him any harm, I'm sorry that it came to this, but beyond that, it's more like a sense of relief.

To backtrack a moment, he pissed on me the other day. Yeah, PISSED ON ME. Was acting completely normal, then all of a sudden, got up, backed his little furry black ass against my legs, and fucking pissed on me. I wanted to wring his scrawny neck. I didn't, obviously. And then, after spending the day in his carrier, he pissed on Schmendrick's toys, and tried to attack me. Yeah, as if pissing on me 12 hours earlier hadn't been enough, the little fucker went after me, hissing, spitting, clawing.

And apparently this is all because I'm pregnant. Oh, and did I mention that I've had yet ANOTHER sinus infection, except this time, since I'm preggers, I can't really take anything? Well, not anything that I can fucking afford or that stupid Medicaid will pay for.

So yeah. Fuzzy butt found a new home, or will shortly I hope. It's just not fair for me to have to give up my unborn child to make a stupid cat happy, and it's not fair to force my pregnancy on a cat who obviously is freaked out by my hormones. So I took the middle road, bye bye kitty.

I hate doing it, but since he was going through this "phase" of pissing on stuff every 2 or 3 months, do I really want to risk him possibly pissing on my child? or in her crib, or clothes, or whatever? Not particularly. It's bad enough that he just pissed on the brand new fucking bed. Grr.

And the thing that got me, was Friday night, before he left Sat morning, he was acting so fucking NORMAL. He was being sweet, cuddly, playing with Schmendrick, cuddling with Schmendrick, I have pictures of Scarface with his little paws around Schmendrick's neck, and they're both snoring. That's the kind of shit that breaks my heart.

It's just I got to the point, after screaming and ranting and raving and being pissed off Thursday morning, I'm done. 3 years of NOTHING but an uphill battle with this creature, I guess I really hoped that he would be the success story that Schmendrick is. But I just can't do it anymore, I didn't even have the energy or desire to buy him food. I don't want the responsibility anymore, especially not if I'm worrying that if he's not in the carrier, I'm going to get pissed on in my sleep. Cuz at this point, I need all the freaking sleep I can get.

So happy news- it's a GIRL! :) I'm going to name her Morgan Elena. I've always loved the name Morgan for a girl, and Elena just kind of came to me when I was reading a book. Kelly Armstrong if anyone's curious. The newest werewolf book, I can't remember the title. But basically the main character, Elena, the ONLY female werewolf, is pregnant. Turns out it's twins, but it was just another good book in the series, and as I read the last page, I literally thought "What a cool character. Morgan Elena!" and it just clicked. Plus Elena is Greek, so that takes care of Bill's side of the family. Because I am so NOT happy with the idea that if we have a boy, I get absolutely NO say in naming it. Oh, so I just get to carry it and be miserable and do EVERYTHING, but not name my child. Fucking Great. Yet another reason why I was so pleased to be told it's a girl! :)

Which, incidentally Schmendrick is being great, he's super protective and cuddly with me right now. More so since Scarface is gone, but it's not like he's stressed or worried about Scarface being gone, he actually seems much HAPPIER. Very interesting I think. And I'm not as concerned as I would have been originally with having a child around Schmendrick, since he's gone after kids before. So I guess maybe things are looking up? I better not hold my breath on that one though... :P


Sorry it's been so long, I've been feeling so spendiferously horrible, that I'm having a hell of a time dragging myself out of bed. I'm exhausted all the time and it's confirmed that I have a sinus infection on top of it. Joy! I really like having headaches, and being nauseated all the time, and choking when I swallow and having my sinus cavities feel like their on fire. Really! It's the BEST!

So I had the appt with the specialist today, and they did do an ultrasound. They actually put me at 13 weeks, and gave me May 23 as my new due date. The last one was May 26, so not that terribly different. Everything looks good, they did the genetic screening today, measuring the baby's neck flap for the Down's Syndrome test, and took a bit of blood. I should get the blood results by Thursday they said. But everything looked good.

My appt Friday went well, we got to hear the baby's heartbeat, it was between 150 and 160, and today it was 152. The dr I saw today still wants me to see ANOTHER specialist, who's actually an oncologist, so I'm playing phone tag with his office to try and set up an appt. The dr I saw today wants to see me back in 7 weeks for another ultrasound, just to keep an eye on things. I actually have an appt with the dr over at Northside (til now I've been seeing the midwives) on Dec 5 I think, and that's just my check up.

I talked to them Friday about the depression, and because I told them of my history of cutting myself and having previously been on Lexapro with good results, they put me on 10 mg of Lexapro, and Prima Care One prenatals. I've been taking the Lexapro since Friday, and I don't know if it's the fact that I'm sick, pregnant, or just started the Lexapro again but I've been having a hell of a time sleeping, so that just makes me MORE exhausted. SUCK.

They basically confirmed that all the bloodwork they did last month was just routine stuff, I'm A+ blood, so I don't have to worry about the Rh factor, and I'm not a carrier for cystic fibrosis. So that's all good stuff. I seem to be maintaining my weight, which is nice considering it looked like I gained 14 pounds in a week and a half between my reg appt in Sept and when I went to the health dept to sign up for Medicaid and WIC!

I went to the Minute Clinic in one of the CVS's today because Bill is convinced that I had strep because of the way my throat was feeling. The nurse at the CVS basically said it was too early to tell anything, that she thinks it's just a sinus infection, said my symptoms sound like allergies, and it's VERY unusual to have 4 sinus infections a year. :( So that makes me wonder if Scarface is the cause of that, because I've had Schmendrick longer, and the sinus infections just got worse and more of them over the past 2 years, and I've had him since Feb 2004. I'm NOT jumping to any conclusions, because I know Albuquerque has a higher elevation than Atlanta, and is a LOT less humid, living with my dad in Ohio was super humid, he lived in a valley, and then moving back to Atlanta... So I don't know how much of that has any bearing on how my sinuses react, but I do know that most of them seemed to happen around or shortly after moving cross country. But it's annoying to think that I might be allergic to my kitty. :(

taste buds and other pregnancy oddities

So apparently being pregnant changes your taste buds too. Yesterday I couldn't find anything to eat that tasted good. Even things I normally love, tasted funny to me. And the same thing today too.

Thankfully the prenatal vitamin seems to NOT be making me sick, and that's a good thing. Another good thing is three weeks to go until I hopefully stop feeling exhausted all the damn time. That's the really tiring part. I'm tired of being tired! Yes, I do realize how ridiculous this sounds.

My moods better too. Though I had a moment last night when the hubby wouldn't change the litterbox.. after me asking him for 3 days.. because it didn't stink to him. Honey, we have a cat. Cats are notoriously clean animals, if their litter box is dirty, they'll poop somewhere else. We just got a NEW $600 bed.... do you really want him pooping ON or UNDER it?!?! I think not. Not to mention how hard I would kick his ass. :D

So I've got 2 pots of beef stew cooking, hooray cold weather! I hate freezing when I get out of the shower, or leave to go to work in the morning, but it's nice being snuggly with my honey.

And how weird is it, that of all the boys, the cat is the cuddly one? I mean Schmendrick still wants to cuddle, but Scarface is just going NUTS about laying on my boobs or my belly. I have no idea if this is normal behaviour for a cat or if it's just him being special again.

So as I reach the 12 week mark, I'm thinking more and more of calling Jess. I'm kind of afraid to talk to her, since I know how pissed she was that we changed our wedding day and didn't tell her. She has a life, and a marriage, and a child, and I really didn't think I was up there in the top ten list. Yes, I understand hurt feelings, but it seems like she just always makes it about her. So it was just easier not to deal with it. My fear now is that if I tell her that I'm pregnant, I'll get the whole speil of how we don't have a place to live, and he doesn't make enough money, how we aren't prepared for a baby, etc. I know all of this, I think about all of this. But it would be SO nice to be able to have someone to talk to.

I wish I could find someone local to hang out with and be friends with who was reliable and understood what I'm going through, and what I will go through.

pissing me the FUCK off

So the midwife says I'm 8 weeks pregnant as of Sat Oct 14th. Everything else seems to think that I'm 9 weeks, so I guess it's a toss up.

I've had waaaaay too much heartburn and a headache for three days. I've been to the chiropractor twice, and it helps for about a day, and then I'm all fucked up again. We bought an actual mattress yesterday, but lucky me, I can't seem to sleep on the fucking thing. Which is apparently quite normal, not to be able to sleep during pregnancy. I know I'm going to sound bitter, but I have to wonder if there's ANY benefit to me being pregnant.

And my husband is CONSTANDTLY pissing me off, and seems to think it's funny. With the news talking about ANOTHER teacher having sex with a student, and possibly being pregnant by him, all my husband can say is "Well if that were my son, I'd have to talk to him about standards. Because that woman is ass ugly!" Great, so you can sit and brag about all the women you've slept with, 168 according to him, and swap stories about the driver's ed teacher's assistant, she was what, 23, just a few years older, so it was ok?

YET if we had a daughter who had sex with a teacher, charges would be pressed and he would be in jail from beating someone up. Because that makes total fucking sense. So what, for the boys you can brag and swap stories of how many fucking conquests you've had, and I get what, I get to tell the girls to be careful who they trust so they don't get molested or date raped? Thanks honey, that makes me feel fucking GREAT.

And he doesn't see the problem. And he antagonizes me, telling me I won't be able to sleep. No, I won't be able to sleep because I can't decide if I want to smother you in your sleep, or just punch you in the face. Must be love, according to Chris Rock. If you've never wanted to kill someone in their sleep, then it's not love. Well, I guess I found it. Lucky me.

And a part of my brain tells me that I'm being cranky and unreasonable, and the sound of his snoring is driving me NUTS, and I just want to smother him. I understand where he's coming from, but it still pisses me off. I don't see why such a double standard is so fucking acceptable. Why in his world, double standards are the norm, and acceptable. It's wrong. And it pisses me off. Obviously he doesn't give a shit about that.

Nevermind the fact I've had a headache that turned into a migraine for 3 days. Nevermind the fact I have constant heartburn. Or that I can't sleep. Or that my hip kills me every time I move. Let him get one stuffy fucking nose, and it's whine whine whine, bitch bitch bitch. I just want to kill him.

on the subject of sex and pregnancy

So apparently being pregnant DOES make you hornier than ever, and harder to satisfy. :( Although I should clarify that, orgasm is still atainable, it's just that your lips and everything are so flooded with blood, that you're constantly left wanting MORE. Which, does that mean it's time to look for a girlfriend? Time to initiate some same sex, sex?! Well, I suppose if the opportunity arose...

Maybe it's just me, but as attracted as I am to women, I find it really difficult to talk to them and approach them. There seems to be soooo many women who are bi or at least bi curious, but at the same time there are also a certain number of women who are freaked out by it. So it seems to be ok to confess if you will, to being bisexual, but to actually approach someone.. it's akward, and intimidating. I guess that as aggressive as I am with just about everything else, women are still a mystery to me.

And I guess a certain level of it is that, how akward would it be to be approached by a couple, saying hey, it's ok, she can't get pregnant, she already is, but we want to have LOTS of screaming orgasm nasty sex with you? I mean obviously I'm not showing that much yet, only being 6 weeks pregnant, but as I get further along... you just have to think about it. I understand that positions for girl on girl sex is WAY different than boy girl sex, but still, you would expect certain obstacles with a great big ole pregnant belly.

Go to the Health Dept dammit!

So, if you know you're pregnant, and you need to get on Medicaid, because your husband's insurance won't kick in until practically a month after your next dr's appt, DON'T go to Medicaid first, GO TO THE HEATH DEPT. It's MUCH easier, and MUCH faster. I sat for HOURS at Medicaid, to get.....
an appt to come back Wed. AND to be told that what I had faxed over from the dr's office wasn't enough, I was going to need to prove my pregnant status. So, they sent me over to the Health Dept. They said they also needed an estimated due date, which I won't really get an accurate one until I have the ultrasound on Oct 17th, hello?!?!

I go over to the Health Dept. I sign in, I go pee in a cup. They stick my finger, I wait a while. I see a nurse, she confirms my pregnancy, gives me 2 estimated due dates, depending on WHEN my actual last period was, and sends me to this wonderful lady that gets my Medicaid STARTED, including giving me a temp Medicaid number, so I don't have to pay anything today. And this took about 2 hours. And it wasn't crowded. Beautiful.

So I have an appt for Wed to get food stamps, and I have to call to set up my WIC, which is nice, that I qualify for all three. Cuz you know, they want to up my rent from 200 to at least 350-400 when the baby is born, cuz you KNOW a baby is just going to shower every single day, AND the laundry, AND the grocies. I mean, doesn't a NEWBORN eat everyone out of house and home?!?! (I know, these people are simply BRILLIANT)

So the result of all of this: I'm 5-8 weeks pregnant, depending on when my period actually was, my hemogoblin and iron are NORMAL, and I'm on Medicaid. Wooooo!!
Well, we found out a week ago, and oh by the way, we got married and pretty much eloped on July 20th. yay! yay married people sex! (dude, it so rocks! which brings me to .... I'm pregnant. Yep, just a little knocked up the dr said.

The dr said 2 weeks probably, but we think I might be further, especially with the morning sickness getting worse, and all the other ups and downs of my hormones. Yay hormones.

The thing that woke me up this morning, besides the having to pee all the time and the morning sickness, is that I started thinking about Albuquerque. I called a week ago to tell John, of John and Nan, and while it was nice talking to him, I feel kind of brushed off, and I don't know how much of that is my own insecurities talking, or if that was really the vibe. I made the comment that I miss him and Nan and I want to come visit, and his response was Don't rush. And I understand that they're SUPER busy, they always are, but it still felt like a brush off. And it just makes me think and obsess, did I do something wrong? I mean I know I still owe them money, and I admit that I'm selfish and there were several times that I could and should have paid them back, but I wanted fabric to sew, I wanted yarn to knit, I wanted to have that money in my pocket, or in the cookie jar to make me feel just a little bit more secure. I just can't help feeling that I did something wrong.

And it's frustrating too, because to me anyways, John and Nan were such a BIG part of my life when I met them at 18, they helped get me OUT of the house, in a time where I was still going through chemo and didn't quite know what to do with myself. And I'll always love them for that. I just feel like I no longer fit in their lives, and to a certain extent I understand that, since I do live in Georgia again, and they're in New Mexico. But as much as I want to go back to New Mexico now, I feel like I've burned my bridges or something, and I can never go back. And Albuquerque is too damn small I think for me to be able to go back, which just depresses me further.

I think I'm also getting tired of feeling let down by friends. When you're a kid, people tell you, make friends, your friendships will last forever and get you through the hard times. And that honestly hasn't been my experience, and that's frustrating. I don't know if it's that that's just something we read and see on TV and in the movies, that society has programmed us to expect that or think that that's the only right way to have friends, or if it's more a matter of all the shit that happened in my life that a lot of people couldn't be bothered to be around with. I mean I was always an outcast at school, and then getting yanked out of school and put in a foster home, that didnt help build any bridges for me. yeah, everyone knew who I was, but they just wanted the scoop, they didn't really care about ME. It was something to talk and gossip about. I start making a few friendships in 7th grade due to school projects, and then we get to high school, and everyone acts like they don't know anyone else. After a few years I start to find my niche, and then bam, I get hit with leukemia, and I'm in the hospital, missing my junior year. I'm not blaming everyone, I just wonder, does this shit happen to everyone, or was I just the lucky marble picked out of the bag where someone decided, ok, let's throw THIS at her, and see what happens. It'll be great! or what.

My point is that everytime I make a friendship, it's something that I hope will last. And usually I'll try my best to keep it afloat, but it gets to a point of there's just so much one person can do. And it hurts, I miss these people.

Or maybe I'm just overreacting because of the pregnancy hormones, and it's making me more morose than usual. I just don't know. All I know is that it sucks, and it makes me depressed, and it makes me feel like I'm not worth being around, if everyone takes such a little thing to not be around anymore.


This is going to sound retarded. I can't stop thinking about my dog. Everytime I see her I just cringe. She looks like something out of a terrible B horror movie. She's a cocker spaniel, pekinese, poodle mix. And she's over 12, and she's going blind and she has arthritis and can hardly walk, and her little pot belly drags the ground some days, and the worst thing is that she has these tumors in her mouth that keep growing. I've had them removed a couple of times now. I don't have another $800 to do it, and I don't think she'd wake up from the anesthetic. But I feel like I'm torturing her by putting her down now. And my parents won't listen to me. Their response is that she eats fine and goes outside. But what kind of quality of life is that?

I guess I feel a lot of guilt about it because when I first got her, I wanted a small dog, and she isn't a lap dog. So I ignored her for a while. And then I got my leukemia, and I was stuck in the hospital and all I wanted was my dog. I just can't help but feel like I'm prolonging her suffering. She flinches everytime you reach for her face. She never used to be that way. Yeah, she seems to eat ok, but how easy is it to eat when your teeth are covered in tumors? And that's not all. She's got all these weird lumps and bumps and moles and stuff on her. And her back bows when she walks.

And I don't want to do it. God knows I don't. But I don't want her to suffer. I think I just want someone to take it out of my hands and do it. I don't want to be responsible anymore and it just seems like all I do is make her suffer.