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Mar. 15th, 2010

So, I know I make no sense. I know this about myself. i have no fucking idea why, when my marriage has been over for months, if not years really, all of a sudden i'm freaking out and not wanting to let go? what the FUCK? seriously, i mean i think i need someone to knock some sense into me. i think honestly a lot of it has to do with the face that i hate change that's not of my making, and until recently, i really didn't know what i was going to do.

not that i really have any clue, but since i'm still sitting on a hefty change of tax return money, my options are a LOT more open than they were a few months ago.

but for as long as i've been saying that i don't love bill, why am i beating myself up about it? am i really that masochistic that i have to beat myself up over the idea that it's over? honestly i think it's more of good old jealousy and anger though, as much as he's claimed that he hasn't done anything with anyone, lap dances and late night texting and phone calls aside, since they're "friends", i've honestly suspected that he has. but why, when i finally find proof of text messages of longing from some 21 yr old girl, do i feel like i've been stabbed? i think a lot of it is because as much as he claims that he was invested, it feels like i was easily replaced. and because i've never thought he put the girls first, even as much as he 'works' to provide... it just seems like he's looking for some quick bimbo to play mommy when he might have custody of the kids.... god the thought makes my skin crawl.

i think a lot of it has to do with that i haven't had to deal with anything like this in years. so i feel like i'm floundering about like a fish out of water, feeling like a teenager all over again. christ, seriously i'm making myself sick. ugh.

i need to snap out of it, but it seems a lot easier to be able to TELL myself that, than actually DO it.



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