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You killed this thing inside of me. I thought it was something sweet, something kind, something that made me feel like I had a purpose. But now, I can't even bear to move, it hurts to breathe, and it's gone. Will it ever come back? I don't know. You killed this passion and I don't know if it's ever coming back, and I'm not sure how much I care about it anymore.

Jun. 12th, 2011

I miss your face. I got a new tattoo, I wish you could see it. I wonder if you would understand it. But then I wonder, do I understand it? Does anyone understand anything they get permanently placed on their body, any kind of modifications?

Stalker

His name is Bill Jerry Markos. His birthday is 4/12/1979. He lives off of Beaver Ruin Road in his mom's house. He drives his mom's car. He works at a Transport company. He thinks he is big, and bad and the biggest bully out there. He thinks he can manipulate people and get his way just because his daddy died when he was a little boy. Because obviously he's the only one that something terrible EVER happened to. And if he does not get his way, he will threaten and cajole.



DO. NOT. FUCK. WITH. ME. I will fuck your shit up. We can see how your little girlfriend likes finding out that you were masturbating while I was giving YOUR THREE MONTH OLD DAUGHTER A SUPPOSITORY BECAUSE SHE WAS CONSTIPATED AND YOU WERE TOO BUSY JERKING OFF TO HELP OR EVEN NOTICE. And I was newly pregnant with number two daughter... Oh, such a charmer! Really girls, everyone needs a guy just like this... under their rear tires.

Paranoia is a good thing

It makes you lock everything you own. It makes you have passwords on things. And friend approval for other things. Too bad all the good stuff is locked up.

Mar. 15th, 2010

So, I know I make no sense. I know this about myself. i have no fucking idea why, when my marriage has been over for months, if not years really, all of a sudden i'm freaking out and not wanting to let go? what the FUCK? seriously, i mean i think i need someone to knock some sense into me. i think honestly a lot of it has to do with the face that i hate change that's not of my making, and until recently, i really didn't know what i was going to do.

not that i really have any clue, but since i'm still sitting on a hefty change of tax return money, my options are a LOT more open than they were a few months ago.

but for as long as i've been saying that i don't love bill, why am i beating myself up about it? am i really that masochistic that i have to beat myself up over the idea that it's over? honestly i think it's more of good old jealousy and anger though, as much as he's claimed that he hasn't done anything with anyone, lap dances and late night texting and phone calls aside, since they're "friends", i've honestly suspected that he has. but why, when i finally find proof of text messages of longing from some 21 yr old girl, do i feel like i've been stabbed? i think a lot of it is because as much as he claims that he was invested, it feels like i was easily replaced. and because i've never thought he put the girls first, even as much as he 'works' to provide... it just seems like he's looking for some quick bimbo to play mommy when he might have custody of the kids.... god the thought makes my skin crawl.

i think a lot of it has to do with that i haven't had to deal with anything like this in years. so i feel like i'm floundering about like a fish out of water, feeling like a teenager all over again. christ, seriously i'm making myself sick. ugh.

i need to snap out of it, but it seems a lot easier to be able to TELL myself that, than actually DO it.

Toddlers are NOT invincible.

Don't let them convince you otherwise. They aren't.

Nina's been having a rough week. The return of the scarlet fever, mysterious bumps and bruises and cuts that are appearing on her body (granted, we spent 3 hours at the park yesterday and she fell down a few times, but the cuts appeared after nap time ...) and now her graceful face plant.

I know this is normal. I know Morgan went through the same thing. But I don't remember being this terrified. It just seems like it's one thing after another with her. With her extra hole above her butt, all the drama surrounding the pregnancy and birth, it's been a lot for one little girl.

Nina only busted her lip again, but there was SO much blood. She kept coughing and choking on it, and it was just pouring out of her mouth. It scared the hell out of me. I knew she hadn't busted a tooth, that was the first thing I checked.

I don't know why I'm so freaked by this. Maybe because no matter how hard we try to protect them, our children are really just small little bodies full of blood that are really quite fragile. And that's something that scares the hell out of me. I freaked out and had a panic attack when Morgan was born, because I felt like I couldn't protect her anymore. There's a difference from having your child inside of you, and knowing that they're safe, and cushioned and protected. And then they're this tiny, screaming, angry little bundle that just seems so fragile.

Maybe I"m just paranoid, but I just worry that I'll never be able to protect them enough. And I wonder what that says about me as a person, that that's my main concern, that I need to protect them. Maybe it's the way I grew up, because I never really felt like anyone protected me. But that's my issue to deal with I suppose. My main concern is keeping my kids safe.

And now it's time to go get breakfast ready. Maybe.

Men Piss me OFF

Just as a general, they're still breathing, I'm still massively annoyed. I'm just saying.

I mean come on, you have to steal all the fucking flashlights in the house? Nevermind the fact that you're using my car to go to your stupid little car meets, so that you can be out until 5am, and sleep til at least noon- barring missing any football that is, but you have to steal the flashlights too so I can't find Morgan's binky in the dark? Seriously? WHAT THE FUCK?

Time to go find the binky in the dark, AGAIN.



ASSHOLE!!!

Cutest Picture EVAR!!!

Not that I'm at all prejudiced... but check this shit out:






My baby on her 4 wheeler. That her big sister was too afraid to be one, but once she saw her little sister doing it, had to do it too...




Not too bad of a labor day after all. Got to make bread Friday with Father Peter, and then my girls were being adorable, as usual. :)

just rambling

doo doo n'doo doo....

I have no idea. I gots nothing. My mind is in a million places and I can't seem to hold it down. Thinking about the babies, thinking about marriage, thinking about mistakes, thinking about stuff.

Funny that marriage and mistake are right after each other. No, the irony does not escape me.

I know I've made my bed, but do I want to lie in it anymore? It seems like this is a typical roll for me "Oh no, the bad man makes me unhappy, woe is me! Lord help me!" (said with dramatic flair, southern accent, and hand thrown helplessly over the forehead)

I made someone REALLY uncomfortable Thursday night at Halloween 2. After the movie we were standing outside just talking, and someone brought up "whats your sign?" (ugh! Ick! stupid girl thing to do, I revoke your girl card!!!Bad!!! No more outings for you, BACK TO THE KITCHEN WENCH!!!) and he finally mentioned he was a cancer-I'll kill ya. At which point, considering the date, I jump and yell "Ha, not this time fucker!" Hee... really an asshole kind of thing to do, but I couldn't help myself. People are so uncomfortable with the thought of cancer, that it's fun to say, hey it sucked a lot of balls, but I'm still here. But apparently I can't say all of that, or at least to certain people, because someone might get butthurt over it, because their dad was diagnosed with.. wait for it.... COLON CANCER, and might not be out of the woods yet... (Get it, butthurt, colon cancer? yeahhhh.. moving on..)

Really? YOU get to disregard 11 years of *MY* history, just because it might hurt some STRANGER'S feelings? At least, someone a stranger to me. Sorry, my bad, 3 years of marriage, and 2 pretty awesome fucking kids, thought that gave me a little bit more slack. Sorry, let me get barefoot and pregnant back to the kitchen.... NOT.

Though I did get a key to the church kitchen. Dude, seriously. THE COUNTER SPACE. THE CENTER ISLAND. THE ERGONOMIC ROLLING PIN!!! *drool* I'm such a dork. Kitchens make me happy, if I have work space. And decent tools.. ahh, making pies, baking breads. good good stuff.





Poor baby girl. Two weeks ago they said she had Scarlet Fever. Now her poor little feets are peeling. Only her toes, and above her nose. Hungry as hell though. Wondering if the rash on her little legs is from the soy milk. But she won't drink cows milk, and rice milk has no nutrional value, so she has to get a liquid (ick) vitamin. I shouldn't have stopped breastfeeding. Seriously. I think it would have saved a lot of her issues, and mine. I think I had a cyst burst the other day. It felt like labor without an epidural... damn. If men only KNEW what we go through....

misty

Yeah, so for the past few days, I've really really REALLY been missing having a dog. I completely miss having a pet. I'm not sure why, I have 2 small children to chase, isn't that the same? Heh.

Seriously though, for some reason I've just really been missing my old dog Misty. I don't know if it's because it's been about 3 years since she died or what. I just find myself thinking about her and missing her, and wanting to tangle my fingers in her hair and listen to her sigh as she rolls over and looks at me.

I was so heartbroken when I had to put her down. I wish she were here to play with my babies. I wanted her to see my babies, she was such a good dog. Is it weird that I miss my dog still? I guess it's because I love so completely and selfishly. I miss my dog.

I still have my Schmendrick, kind of. He's with my parents because he snapped at the babies, which is understandable, Wheaten Terriers really aren't generally kid friendly, and Morgan kinda likes to pull and tug on hair. So it was more of a safety issue for everyone involved. And I know he's not doing that great, over the weekend my mother told me that he'd been sluggish and not acting right.

But I have two babies to worry about. And as much as I want a dog right now, I've got babies. I can't imagine, I'm going to housetrain the dog and potty train Morgan at the same time? They can both potty outside? Good grief...

I know we can't afford a dog right now. Not to mention the landlord would flip... *snert*. I'm actually FINALLY getting my teefs fixed, so that is kind of more important than a dog right now. But man I miss one.

I'm looking at about 6k for my teeth right now. It's hard to imagine just how much getting my teeth cleaned, and starting the actual work on them, has improved my mood. I wonder how much being so depressed about my teeth has affected the depression. I'm still stressed with everyone around me, but it's more like they're raining on my parade, interrupting me. If that makes any sense. I can't get over the difference. Once my teeth were cleaned yesterday, they looked like they did 12 years ago. Almost. a bit discolored since then, and you could still see some of the major cavities, but jesus I can't stop staring at them. So I got a root canal today with 3 fillings, and I go back on 4/20. Heh.

Slowly but surely. Baby's crying. Stupid storms.

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